One of the unfortunate byproducts of divorce is that you have to re-enter the dating scene. While some of my married friends like to romanticize this adventure as they remember the rosy glow of dating in their twenties, they fail to realize that everything is different when you are single in your thirties. It is the wild freaking west out there. The dating pool is more akin to the size of a baby pool – or perhaps a shallow murky puddle – and the baggage far exceeds the fifty-pound weight limit.
Upon divorce, I swore to anyone within hearing distance that I was going to become a nun. Not a nice churchy nun, but more like Whoopi-in-Sister-Act style nun. However, about five or six months after the dust settled on the official divorce paperwork and over a year post-separation, curiosity got the best of me. My friends and therapist were encouraging me to test the waters for fear that I might actually join a convent, so I decided to dip my toes in a little bit.
Spoiler alert: This is not the tale of how I found love again. I only lasted two months before retreating back to happily not dating. However, now that I’ve had some time to reflect, I felt it was my duty to share some lessons I learned while exploring this hidden world of swiping. For those of you living this reality, God speed. My prayers go out to you. For those of you who are not dating, let this be a cautionary tale for you. Perhaps these lessons will encourage you to hug your partner a little tighter and reenact some Titanic scenes. I’ll never let go, Jack. I’ll never let go.
So here we go.
Lesson 1: The game has changed.
Let’s look at a few ways the game as changed.
1) Everyone is online now.
People love to ask why I don’t simply meet guys in real life. Let me assure you, this is not a thing anymore. Seriously. Regardless of what you’ve seen in a rom com, never have I ever been asked out on a date while perusing the produce section of Whole Foods. Granted, I am too cheap to shop at Whole Foods, so there could be a thriving dating scene there that I am unaware of. However, in my experience, no one ever asks anyone out. Ever. I even know a high school student who met his partner on Tinder.
To clarify, I do believe it is still possible to meet people offline, but this is mostly true for singles in their twenties. In this golden decade it is possible to date IRL because you are surrounded by people who are also single and looking. Your roommate’s boyfriend brings his friends around. Saturday nights are spent in some sort of group context. Your closet consists of work clothes and going out clothes instead of my current combination of work clothes and pajamas. In contrast, in my thirties, all of my social connections are married with children, and the only real life experiences I have had have been borderline creepy.
The unfortunate reality is this – everyone relies on dating apps now, and the former stigma of desperation around online dating is gone. Just lean in and accept it.
2) There are a thousand different ways to date online.
The last time I was single was eight years ago. I know that this pales in comparison to others whose marriages lasted more than a minute, but in technology years it might has well have been 100 years. Back in my day, there were only a few dating sites to contend with – eHarmony and Match. OkCupid was starting to roll around, but those two reigned supreme.
Now there are SO MANY APPS. Given my need to obsessively research, I decided to spend a few weeks investigating these apps before I even began. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Happn, Badoo, Coffee Meets Bagel, OkCupid, How About We, TinDog, Plenty of Fish, Christian Mingle, Elite Single, Taste Buds, Hater. In the time it took me to type this list, three more sprouted their wings and fluttered their way into the market. I will talk a bit in my next post about my experiences with some of these apps, but just know that your choices are more overwhelming than an iHop menu.
3) People are very direct about what they are looking for, and that is sometimes shocking.
Once I narrowed it down to a few apps and set up a profile, I saw more ways the game has changed. Gone are the days when guys would pretend to want to marry you when they really just wanted an overnight “friendship.” If they only want to get to know you in the biblical sense, they will come right out and say it. The very first message one man sent me was – “Hi, would you like some casual sex?” Me – “Wow, um no thank you?” I wasn’t really sure how to sign off, but I’ve been conditioned to be polite. I’m pretty sure wishing him luck was awkward for both of us.
If I’m honest though, I find the lack of deception to be somewhat refreshing – depressing – but refreshing nonetheless. There was quite the variety of people online. Men wanting to find their soul mate. Women seeking a travel partner. Some couples on the apps were looking for a third. There were some odd fetishes, and people truly looking for a life partner. For every person that existed on the apps, there are just as many reasons to be there. The beauty is that everyone accepted these differences and moved on if it wasn’t a fit. I don’t think any of these desires are different than they’ve ever been, nor is it indicative of the moral decay of society. However, in this post-modern era people simply say exactly what it is they are looking for.
4) Send pix please.
Ugh. Insert eye rolling emoji here. I blame my generation and Steve Jobs for the constant request for pictures and the delivery of unsolicited male-part photos. Now with the smart phone and the anonymity of online dating, people have no shame in asking for “pix.” In case you were wondering, they are not requesting your recent travel photo. I tested this theory by responding to a request with a photo of me on a camel that said, “I’m on a camel!” Needless to say that conversation ended quickly, as the male in question did not find this as funny as I did.
5) Let’s meet tomorrow.
Another way the game has changed is that people want to meet IRL very quickly. In the olden days of eHarmony, you could spend months texting back and forth with someone before meeting. When I downloaded the apps, I thought it would take awhile, but I completely underestimated the market. Within 24 hours I had six actual dates lined up for the next week. This was not my best decision making, but truthfully I wasn’t prepared for this new world. Upon reflection, it makes sense as to why people no longer text or email for a lengthy amount time. You have to contend with catfish (fake accounts used to keep people on the sites) and scammers. I have two friends who have encountered scammers looking for money. It is a sad reality to dating. The creators of these apps seem to understand the importance of getting together sooner. Some apps even force you to move on to a phone conversation or to a meeting, because the conversations expire after a week. In this fast-paced world, people don’t want to waste time if it isn’t a good match, and there is no better way to determine whether there is interest than to meet face to face.
So that’s it for lesson one. If you are re-entering the dating scene, please learn from my first mistake and understand that the dating world you once knew no longer exists.
Buckle up, friends, because we’re just getting started. Next week we’ll take a deeper look at dating profiles.
