This title is misleading, as I did not try Hinge yet. However, it fit better in my Wizard of Oz analogy. Truly, once I pressed submit on my profiles, I felt as though I’d been transported into an alternate world. A veil was lifted, revealing this underground technicolor dating scene that I never knew existed. Seeing the sheer volume of men and women on the Internet made me slightly paranoid as I passed people in my apartment, on the streets, at church. Is he on a dating app? Is she? This became slightly problematic when my paranoia proved to be true and I actually ran into a Tinder match at my yoga studio. Yikes, Toto.
For those of you just tuning in, I am currently sharing a series on the sloppy world of post-divorce dating. As I mentioned in Lesson 1, the over abundance of dating apps currently on the market can become overwhelming. After consulting with my therapist, she suggested I narrow it down to three and experiment to see which ones felt right. Okay that is a lie. She said I should try one or two, but I’m an overachiever and went for three. After quite a bit of research, I went with Tinder, Bumble, and Coffee Meets Bagel for round one of dating. Today we’ll take a look at each.
Tinder
Oh mylanta, y’all. If you had told me three years ago I would have a Tinder profile I would have told you to wash your mouth out. However, I was shocked to discover that almost every person I know in my age demographic who is single has a Tinder profile. Although this app has an unsavory reputation as a hook-up app, I personally know two people who met their husband on Tinder, so I believe the tide is turning. I even found an article written by a scientist stating that your best bet was Tinder due to sheer volume. As a woman of logic, I followed the science and downloaded Tinder.
For those of you unfamiliar with this app, Tinder invented the swiping method. The way it works is pretty simple. You are presented with people that are geographically near you and within your desired age range. Swipe left if you aren’t interested, swipe right if you are. That’s it. (However, beware of the accidental “super like.” That is super embarrassing). For someone with a need for speed and simplicity, this was a dangerous equation. Left, right, left, left, right. I got to swiping away, not realizing that Tinder’s algorithms make you much more visible when you first create a profile to gain lots of matches and keep you coming back. The reward center of your brain lights up, and you keep swiping. This resulted in my overabundance of dates early on. I learned my lesson. Do.Not.Do.This.
There are some definite pros to Tinder. Because of its direct nature, I was incredibly comfortable telling prospects what I was and was not looking for. Many people even state directly in their profile whether or not they want hookups or a relationship. In my younger days I would have felt shy about asking a guy what he is looking for, but this app felt very empowering. It is also great for a little ego boost. Due to the volume of people, I received many more matches and contacts.
The cons – You reeeeallly have to do a lot more screening to weed out the filthy ones. This app is not for the faint of heart, so if you are delicate, this is not for you. The number of bathroom selfies in which you only saw their abs was annoying, and an alarming amount of gentlemen listed “lifting weights” as their one and only hobby. This app also is where I saw couples looking for a lady friend. Hard pass.
Bumble
Bumble is the female answer to Tinder. In fact, during my research I discovered that it was created by a woman who was a co-founder of Tinder. This app is still based on the concept of swiping, but it allows women to be in charge. Men can swipe and connect, but it is up to women to initiate the conversation.
This was the app that I was most excited about using, and I really wanted to love it. However, I felt a little “meh” about it. I’m not sure whether it was due to the nature of the app or if I simply had poor luck, but most of the guys that I matched with on Bumble were too passive. In no way do I need or want a dominant man in my life, and I love a good sensitive soul – however – the conversations with some of these men were just truly lacking. It felt as though I was pulling teeth to get past the “Sups.” “Not much. Hbu?” I thought I had graduated out of this lackluster style of communication when my AIM account was retired, but here it is still thriving on Bumble. Snore. We are better than this, people.
There were some pros to this app, though. You don’t have to contend with nearly as many dirty messages as you do on Tinder, which is refreshing. It also gave me more empathy for men on dating apps who are typically the initiators of conversations. It is REALLY challenging to think of something to say to a stranger on the Internet that is interesting and doesn’t come across as stalky.
Another noteworthy element is that many people are on both sites – Bumble and Tinder. Occasionally you will match with the same person on both apps. While the romantic inside me would love to believe that this was some form of fate or the perfect meet-cute in a rom com, I learned the hard way that just because you match on two sites does not mean it is destiny. The guy this happened with for me was the literal worst. However, for about four minutes it was a nice fantasy.
Coffee Meets Bagel
I’d be lying if I said I chose this app for any reason other than the name. It’s just adorable. Coffee Meets Bagel is set up quite differently than the other two. Rather than endlessly swiping, you are presented with five possible matches at noon (20 if you are a guy, because apparently they like variety. Shocker). You can narrow down your matches a bit more than with the other apps based on your preference of religion, race, age, education, etc. At first the snail-like pace of the app annoyed me because I’m a fast-paced human. But after the first week, I realized how exhausting the dating world was and I grew to appreciate the slower pace of matches. Once you match with someone the countdown begins. You only have one week to move the conversation to a phone or the real world before the match disappears. I believe you can pay money to bring matches back, but if I’m too cheap to shop at Whole Foods, I’m certainly too cheap for that.
For this app I decided to limit matches to people who also share my religion of Christianity. This seemed like a great idea at the time, but honestly I am not sure that I would do that again. More on that later.
These were just three of many, but they gave me a decent starting point. I have since deleted all of the apps because I needed a break and there’s truly no place like home. However, if I ever return to the world of dating, I might explore Hinge , Happn, or OKCupid just to see how they feel. Hinge seems great because it links you with people that are a friend of a friend on Facebook. But let’s be real – 90% of my friends of friends are unavailable because your thirties are for babies and buying houses, not dating. Happn connects you with people you pass in real life. This sounds precious, however, the potential for a church or apartment connection makes me break out in hives. We shall see. Regardless, if you’re back on the market, experiment with the different sites to see what feels good for you.
Next week tune in for another installment as we explore playing it safe and my tragic mistake of not having a well thought out exit strategy. If you’d like to keep reading, subscribe to my blog or follow me on Facebook. I’d love to hear what apps did/did not work well for you!
