“Ladies, you really need to think about your clothing. When you wear a tank top, your shoulders distract my son. How can you expect him to control himself?“
This is a real conversation that was had with me and my fellow female students in our high school youth group. The leaders went on to lecture us about our underwear choices because apparently while I was praying at the altar, it was visible. The messaging wasn’t – “Hey, be aware that your shirt isn’t covering everything.” It was – “Wearing that type of underwear is a sin and you are causing boys to sin.” Afterwards I came out of the room feeling frazzled, only to find the boys playing basketball. Some were shirtless – you know – because they were hot. I asked what they talked about. “Nothing,” my male friend said. “We just played basketball the whole time.”
In 2019 I thought this type of messaging was a relic of the past, but this morning I came across a similar comment posted on an online worship leaders forum. The basic premise was that ladies should remember that our clothing leads men to distraction, which doesn’t honor God.
Honestly as I look back on my youth leaders and even this most recent worship leader, I don’t necessarily blame them. They are repeating messages that have been ingrained in church culture for years. I myself have slipped back and forth into that line of thinking throughout my adulthood and have probably said equally harmful things. For any young girls who I may have inadvertently passed that message along to. I am truly sorry. I was wrong.
Why is this problematic?
My problem isn’t with dress codes in general. I believe there are lots of spaces in which a dress code is perfectly acceptable for professionalism. I even have a dress code for my worship band because I want us to look somewhat cohesive and polished, and we need to be able to move easily without our underoos and bellies showing. Left to their own devices I would have teens in crop tops and sweatpants, men in cargo shorts and socks with sandals, and women with highly varied lengths of dresses. While I have opinions on the cargo shorts and socks with sandals that I will not share today, the reality is that all together that looks a little confusing and messy. (Also, I don’t think wearing a crop top to lead worship in an air conditioned sanctuary is necessary.) So yes, we have a dress code. However, off the worship platform, you do you. Wear your crocs, your crop tops, and all that you desire.
My problem is not with dress codes. My problem is with shifting blame. The suggestion that we are causing men to sin by showing our shoulders is laughable. I’d like to have more faith in men than that, but according to the high school youth group mothers, the boys are incapable of control and our Jezebel selves cannot be trusted. Lest we lead this young, innocent boy to have an impure thought with a supple shoulder showing. Not only is this message damaging to women, but I think we are doing a disservice to men by assuming they are this weak.
Sadly I was raised hearing this message so abundantly that I have blamed myself for almost every indecent thing a man has done to me. It was my fault – because I smiled, wore something that showed my belly, or probably “lead him on” by talking or breathing. I bought into the messaging that I was in control of men’s sins and that men had no control.
However, I’ve recently started to encounter men who are proving my old ways of thinking to be wrong. I’ve learned that some men can in fact control themselves and are capable of seeing women as humans first and objects never. Friends’ spouses have proven to be upstanding citizens who honor their marriage with self-control. In the digital space, I’ve even seen glimmers of hope. A homosexual man posted about this very topic on Instagram stating that he sees topless men all the time and has no issues with control, so women shouldn’t bear this burden for straight men. Another man responded to a Facebook post using the hashtag #mylustisnotyourissue. Praise the lamb.
Let’s give men some credit. They are not weak. And let’s give women a break from trying to save men from eternal damnation via tank top.
I’ve decided there is no room in my brain for this kind of noise anymore. I have enough to deal with trying to fix myself. I cannot possibly be in charge of all of the menfolk’s salvation, too. We have bodies that God gave us. They do beautiful things and sometimes part of them might show. I assure you it is less skin than we used to bare in our early hominid days, however it might still be more than zero. Sometimes you might actually be able to tell that I indeed have skin and a body underneath the layers of clothing. For that, I am not sorry.
- If I wear a tank top, it is probably because it is hot outside or I like the way it looks with my outfit.
- If I wear skinny jeans or leggings, it is probably because it works better than a long flowy dress given all the electronic equipment that I have to wear and/or carry as a musician.
- If my pants are too tight, it is because I’ve gained weight and can’t currently afford the money or emotions it costs to buy bigger pants.
- If I’m wearing yoga pants, it’s possible I just did yoga. Or it’s also possible that I just wanted to wear pants that are awesome. Stop being mean to yoga pants.
Sometimes I want to run in a sports bra because it’s 856 degrees and humid in Virginia in the summer, fall, and sometimes in spring and winter, too, because the weather has decided it does what it wants. Can I just do that? It’s clearly unsafe for me to run at night or in the morning when it is cooler because if I run in the dark and get attacked, then that is also my fault. Every time I see a man running topless or in the dark I am slightly bitter because of the double standards and double binds women operate in.
I’m just done with all the worrying on behalf of others.
Men, worry about yourselves and what you’re wearing. Have you washed your pants recently or ironed anything since 2012? Me neither. No judgement.
Women, worry about yourselves and what you’re wearing. Are your clothes comfortable? Do they bring you joy? It might be worth your time to consider why you wear what you wear. If it is indeed for male attention, then what’s happening inside that brain of yours? This isn’t a place for judgement, but a time to be curious about what you might need around that. Are you feeling as though using your body is the only way to be loved? I certainly have in the past. Please hear me – you are lovable with or without your body. Are you wearing a particular style because you actually like it or because you think you are supposed to like it? Wear clothes that make you feel good and that allow you to freely move and do all the cool hobbies, family outings, and work events that you desire.
Employers, schools, and church leaders – it’s okay to have a dress code, but please make sure you include something for the males as well. And make sure it is about function and not the distraction we are causing men. Depending on the context, it might even be appropriate to talk to females about the motivations behind their clothing. We live in a highly sexualized world, and some women have learned that this is sadly the way to move ahead in certain circles. However, there should also be many, MANY conversations with males about consent, self control, and objectification.
Employees and students – sometimes those in authority have the right to tell you what is appropriate to wear to work and school. So long as it isn’t highly gendered or racist, it’s okay.
We are better than this, people. Let’s shoulder our own sins. However, if you absolutely feel incapable, there’s some good ole’ fashioned creepy scripture in Matthew that suggests if your right eye causes you to sin, to pluck it out. Okay please don’t do that, but also don’t pluck your neighbor’s arm off because it caused your eye to sin.
End rant.
