Dating profiles are weird. I find them to be the most vile form of advertising in which the commodities for purchase are human beings. However painful it might feel, it is a necessary evil in the twenty-first century of dating. The best thing you can do is accept the fact that you’re literally selling yourself on the Internet like a Craig’s List couch and hope the guy that shows up isn’t one of the creepy ones.
For those of you just joining my blog, I created a series dedicated to sharing lessons I’ve learned upon re-entering the dating scene. I feel as though it is my duty to humanity to help my fellow brothers and sisters in this post-divorce phase. As I mentioned in Lesson 1, if you are currently entrenched in the throes of dating, I applaud your bravery. For those of you in committed relationships, please hug your loved ones a little tighter and thank the baby Jesus you are currently safe from this reality. The truth is this – dating is a little like West Virginia – wild, wonderful, but often terrifying.
Lesson 2: Create a Profile That Isn’t Super Weird
Oh, the dating profile. So much work goes into crafting the perfect presentation of yourself in hopes of attracting a functional human. Should I be flirty and mysterious or open and engaging? Leave them hanging with a witty one-liner or err on the side of self-disclosure including my deepest fears and desires? How churchy can I be on here? I mean – I am pretty churchy – but a fairly progressive Christian that fully embraces the LGBTQ community, not the fire and brimstones type. If I’m super churchy will I attract religious zealots or men seeking submissive women? If I’m not churchy enough will they eventually feel duped when they realize that not only am I on the Jesus train but also wearing a conductor’s hat? These are the types of self-absorbed concerns I wrestled with as I sat down to my laptop.
I decided to start with something easy – photos. Or at least I thought it would be easy. Truthfully this part was sort of the worst, because I’m just not a photogenic person. Anytime a camera enters a room, my brain does this bizarre thing where it tells my face to smile like a deranged goat. Some of you might be questioning this, but I’m just vain enough to work hard to protect the social media world from these photos. You’re welcome. Once I removed all goat pictures from the equation, I was exhausted and only had about 10% of my photo library left to work with. At that point, I attempted to assemble the perfect combination of coolness. Travel photos, active photos – look at how fun I am! But then panic sets in. Are people actually reading anything I write or simply swiping based on appearance? Am I attractive enough to even be on here? If my clothing is too revealing will people get the wrong idea? If it’s too conservative will they get the wrong idea? It’s a bit unnerving when you realize how shallow this form of dating has become.
Next I realized I needed to make a decision about photos regarding my hair. For those of you who don’t know me, I decided after 32 years of being a blonde that I was basically over it. In the last twelve months my hair has resembled a Neapolitan ice cream cone, moving from pink, to platinum, to dark mahogany, to red, to whatever color my hair is now. It took seven minutes of palm sweating in the DMV for me to decide what to write down in the “Hair Color” field when renewing my license for crying out loud. So how do I address this – should I be sure to include all hair colors in my photos? Are some of these poor fools going to have their heart set on a red head only to discover my hair is back to blonde? Luckily I finally realized I don’t care what they think and took this out of the equation. Look at me becoming an evolved human. My therapist will be so proud.
My other problem with choosing photos for dating profiles is that the combination doesn’t necessarily create a realistic view of a person’s lifestyle. Solely based on my pictures, you would assume that I am a jet-setting adventure junkie with a constant need for adrenaline. Jumping out of airplanes, floating in
the dead sea, suspending midair in a zero gravity flight – how exciting. While it is true that I did in fact do all of these things and love adrenaline, I also am a creature of habit and comfort. I sit in the exact same chair every time I visit my doctor and order one of two drinks at Starbucks. If I really wanted to show people how I live my life, I would have my cat take a picture of me sitting on my couch in sweat pants while eating ramen and watching Law and Order: SVU. My poor couch has a dip on one cushion because I refuse to sit in any other spot, and all attempts at fluffing and flipping have proven to be futile. But not only is this impossible because my cat is worthless as a photographer, it’s impractical because no one wants to see those pictures. People want to see the fun side of life and imagine what an adventure a relationship with you might be like.
Photos gathered, I finally settled on a few and moved on to the written portion of the exam. I wasn’t sure what to include, so I began exploring examples of other people’s profiles on the Interwebs. After a short amount of time, I saw some fairly significant trends. First, it turns out that everyone in Northern Virginia loves hiking. Truly I’m amazed that Great Falls hiking trail hasn’t collapsed under the weight of all of these hikers. However, after meeting some of these people, I’m fairly certain at least half of the “hikers” are actually just walking around a pond at a vineyard and calling that a hike. Nonetheless, there are a few things the majority of daters can all agree on – hiking, travel, puppies, brunch, and witty banter. (As a side note – most people who claimed to love witty banter were not witty. Nor was there banter. Very disappointing.)
In addition, I learned from examining others’ profile photos that there is a significant amount of people who spend their free time petting tigers. I just… I have questions. Why? Why are you petting a tiger? Is this something I should expect on a date with you, because if so I need to dress appropriately. Do you have a job as a tiger trainer, or do you have unresolved issues from your childhood around Winnie the Pooh’s dear friend Tigger?
I decided I didn’t have time to go to Smithsonian Zoo and sneak into the tiger cage, so I took it off of my list. Instead, I resolved to include a collection of hobbies I actually do for fun on the regular – biking, yoga, reading, travel, etc. Then I spent a significant section of the profile highlighting my job as a worship leader, the depth of my spirituality and faith, and passion for social justice issues. I hoped that by leading with a little Jesus and a lotta love for the diversity of humanity, I could weed out some of the crazies, but alas that was not the case. Of course everyone plays guitar and loves music, so my identity as a musician felt a bit lost in the noise, but I threw that in for good measure. Finally, a few odd tidbits about my distrust for birds and compulsive consumption of sour gummy worms were included in hopes that there would be some hint of a sense of humor in these potential suitors. And off I trudged into the digital jungle.
Next week, check in for a look at my experience within three of the most common dating apps – Tinder, Bumble, and Coffee Meets Bagel, oh my! If you’d like to keep up with my adventures in the dating world, subscribe to my blog or follow me on Facebook. I would love to hear from you and your experiences, as well. Until next time my brave friends.
