Sometimes I wish I were an inherently thoughtful person, but the reality is I’m just not. Perhaps if you dissect the word based on its Middle English origins: thought + ful = “full of thoughts,” then I meet the criteria. I have loads of thoughts. The problem is they’re usually not good ones. Over the past couple of years I’ve reflected on what type of person I want to be, and I’ve noticed that people exist in the world who seem to be naturally thoughtful. The friend who not only remembers birthdays, but also sends anniversary cards in the mail. Another who created a ten-day care package for me on my mission trip to Cuba. How? It’s as if they are genetically inclined to be attentive. I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with these kindly souls. On the one hand, their actions remind me on a deep level that I’m simply not that good of a person. However, I can’t really hate them because they are just so dang sweet.
Rather than give in to envy and comparison, I’ve decided to use my time alone over the last couple of years to conduct a bit of an anthropological study on these considerate creatures. How do they think of these things? How can I channel this energy? When do they sleep? Below is a guide for those of us who desire to be a bit more thoughtful in our day to day life, but need a little help.
Tips on how to be a more thoughtful human
Keep cards, stamps, and gift bags handy.
Did you know that you can buy cards, stamps, and gift bags in bulk? All these years I’ve been buying single item options like a dang fool for $5 apiece. Apparently if you search Target, Michael’s, or Amazon, you can stock up on gift supplies and save a ton of money. I’ve found it is so much easier to be thoughtful if I already have the items I need on supply (particularly stamps). Find out someone is in the hospital? Send a quick card. See something that a friend would enjoy? Throw it in a gift bag and put it in your car. To get the most bang for your buck, make sure you’re purchasing blank cards and generic gift bags. Sending a gift to someone mourning the loss of a loved one in a bag with a stork and babies is awkward.
Send texts and make phone calls
I’ve heard friends say that they don’t want to simply send a text because it isn’t personal. However, as someone who went through a pretty dark time during my divorce, I cannot tell you how much a quick text meant to me. It doesn’t need to be groundbreaking; rather, a simple “I’m thinking of you,” can go a long way. Texts can be even more helpful if you utilize the wonders of technology. A few friends have shared a screenshot of a book they are reading or an episode of a podcast that might be helpful. This took them about four seconds, but it changed my entire day. If speaking on the phone is truly important to you, look for margins within your day. If you live in Northern Virginia like I do, there is a strong likelihood that you spend most of your time in traffic secretly hating strangers. Use this to your advantage, hook up your bluetooth, and make a call to a friend during your commute.
Make smartthings work for you
Smartphones are the “millennials” of technology in the sense that people love to needlessly blame them for the downfall of society. While there are definite negatives to overuse of technology, the reality is a smart phone can be really helpful in your quest for thoughtfulness. Use it to set reminders of people you need to touch base with or save addresses on the go. I’m guilty of wanting to sit down and have an “address gathering” time, which has happened exactly zero times. Now, as soon as someone sends me an address, my phone is smart enough to let me hold my finger down for a few seconds and save it to a contact. If I remember at night that I need to call someone the next day, I don’t even have to type words. I can speak into my phone and it magically will remind me the next day. We live in a time when we have a lot of tools at our disposal, so use them.
Get a system to organize important dates.
Raise your hand if you’ve grown to depend on Facebook for birthdays only to miss a really important one. Guilty as charged. People like to be recognized for the day they entered the world, so this is critical. Whether it’s digital or handwritten, it’s really helpful to get a system to remember birthdays, anniversaries, and important dates (such as the death of a loved one). For me, Google Calendar is the way to go. I can set it up to repeat annually forever, and I never have to worry about forgetting again. It syncs to my phone and computer, so if I miss it then I am probably in a coma.
Be thoughtful in ways that are true to you
Not everyone is crafty or skilled with words, so cards and care packages might not work for you. That’s okay. My sister’s gift of thoughtfulness is her obsession with Sam’s club. If you happen to mention to her that you’re out of sponges, she most likely will buy you 79 of them the next time she is out. When I was moving into my first post-divorce apartment, she bought me a roll of trash bags that can only be described as a literal crap ton. While trash bags might not reek of “sweet” it was an incredibly touching gesture, and I am still working through them two years later.
Freeze individual portions when cooking
If you are already cooking or doing meal prep, try making a few extra batches of soup or pasta and freezing them. Recently a coworker experienced the death of her father. When asked what she needed, a mutual friend was able to easily reach into her freezer and bring single-serve frozen meals that were critical during that time. I have never been this pulled together, but for those of you who are adept at meal prepping, this might be an easy way for you to up your thoughtfulness game.
Utilize community resources
Over time I have had to admit to myself that I am a finite human and cannot do all the things. As much as I want to be the person who cooks meals for people and brings coats for families in need, I just can’t. If you’re in a community, the beauty is you don’t have to. Sometimes being thoughtful is about connecting a person to an organization that can help – make the phone call to the women’s shelter or give a list of service providers. Our church has food pantries, meal chains, prayer shawl ministries, and new baby blankets. Chances are there is a church in your area that can point you in the right direction when needed.
Show up when it matters
During early adulthood, my friends and I had to learn on the fly what occasions really warrant special attention. Unfortunately, we all failed each other at some point or another, because it’s easy to get caught up in our lives and not realize how much others are hurting. Here is a list of times when it matters and you have to show up.
- Engagement
- Wedding
- Infertility treatments
- Birth/Pregnancy
- Adoption
- Death of a friend or loved one
- Divorce (either their own or their parents)
- Job loss (either their own or their partner)
- Parent or family member with dementia
- Diagnosis of chronic illness (cancer, diabetes, lupus, Chrohns, etc.)
- Diagnosis of mental illness of themselves or a loved one
- Family problems (addiction, etc)
Keep showing up
This one is hard. However, as someone who experienced loss, I can tell you that it matters. If any of the above have happened, use that good ole smartphone and set a reminder to touch base with your friend at least once a month. Keep it simple. Don’t worry about saying the wrong thing. Just keep showing up.
Listen
I get it. Sometimes we don’t know where to begin. Start with listening. People will often mention what they truly need. Try to do those things rather than send flowers when they are about to be out of the country for three weeks. Coming home to dead flowers after experiencing a loss is probably not helpful.
Make white space in your calendar
Sigh. I love to fill my calendar like a tetris grid, but the reality is this – It is simply not possible to be thoughtful if you don’t have time to think. It is also not possible to be truly caring unless you are taking care of yourself. Take care of yourself, protect your calendar, and then you might have a shot at being successful at being thoughtful.
My hope for 2019 is that I can practice what I preach and really see the people around me. More and more I hear people lament that they feel disconnected – from themselves, from others, from their community. It starts with each of us looking for ways to reach out to others, then that energy will flow back. Ultimately, be gentle with yourself. Chances are if you are reading this article, you are already more thoughtful than you realize. And who knows – you might even have someone who secretly loves/hates you because you’re just so dang sweet.
