Honestly I am struggling to sit down and write this post, because I want to continuously affirm all of you and shout from the rooftops that you are a precious snowflake designed perfectly in God’s image. Hear me when I say that I do in fact believe this. However, even snowflakes get dingy, gross, and slushy after spending too much time on this planet. The reality is, we’ve all been a little beaten up by life, so most likely we are carrying our own oversized baggage into the dating world.
This is the final post in a series I felt compelled to share after my own adventures in post-divorce dating in a digital world. Here is a link to Lesson 1 for those of you just joining the party. Today we will take a hard look at ourselves and the ways in which we might be hurting our chances in finding healthy romantic partners.
Lesson 6: Sometimes It’s You
Going through a divorce is the literal worst, and I would not recommend it for anyone. Unfortunately, sometimes it is the only viable option left, or it is simply not your choice. If you have found your life and family fractured, the tendency is to want to find someone new to fill the void- someone different – someone who will give you attention and love after years of feeling pain. Most marriages end years before the final paperwork hits the court system, and the feeling of loneliness at times feels unbearable. However, I would like to encourage you to really give yourself time and space to heal and recover before entering a new relationship. Now is the time to invest in therapy and get to know yourself. Even if finances are in complete disarray (which they typically are in this situation), your local pastor can assist you in finding someone that can help you through this. Some churches can help offset costs, and local women’s shelters often offer great clinics and resources for free. If you are living in an area with less resources, you can even explore online support groups and counseling or grab some books at the library from my reading list. Regardless of how you go about it, please make sure you take care of yourself before entering into the dating scene.
Below are a few signs that you might not be ready to enter into a healthy relationship.
- Trying to play insta-family. If you’re basically photoshopping the new guy over your ex’s face in last year’s Christmas photo, you need to take a step back.
- You cry into your soup on a date. This isn’t particularly attractive and is probably a sign you need to wait a minute.
- Everything is your ex’s fault. Sometimes the sins of your previous partner are so egregious that it is tempting to place all blame on him or her. However, I have sat in a room with people who have endured hands-down, no contest, the actual worst, and even they are able to see the ways in which they contributed to the dysfunction. In any “anon” 12-step group for partners of addicts, you are encouraged to analyze the ways in which you are complicit in these behaviors even though you aren’t the addict. If you’re not willing to own your own past demons and/or codependent behaviors, then you are likely to find yourself in a similarly painful situation in a few years’ time once the newness wears off of your shiny new partner. (For more, check out a previous post on Pretty Addictions)
- You’re trying to finish a fight with your new guy that you started with your ex four years ago. Yeah. That happens.
- Your new partners are just like your old partners. We have patterns, and often we are seeking a relationship that helps us work through unresolved past issues. Think about their qualities rather than superficial markers. Do you tend to choose dominant people so you don’t have to take ownership of your own decisions? Do you find people who need to be saved? I tried to argue with my therapist that I was really good at saving people. She asked how many of my previous relationships had been successful and I finally stopped talking. Rude.
- Your new partner is the exact opposite of your last partner. I know. I know. This seem to contradict the last point. However, as someone who likes to fluctuate between two extremes, I finally learned that the opposite is not necessarily the right answer. Sometimes that can indicate that you have unresolved issues within your life or that you are wrestling with the complexities of your own personality.
- You reeeeally like this new person, but just want a few (thousand) changes. If you go into a relationship trying to control or change the other person, chances are things are not going to end well for you. It’s one thing to have a difference of opinion on whether or not pineapple pizza is delicious or a monstrosity. However, if you are trying to change someone’s style, interests, religion, routines, or way of viewing the world perhaps you’re not facing the reality of who this person is.
- You drop your own goals and friendships for this new partner. I really have to keep an eye on this one. As a Nine on the Enneagram (we’ll talk later about this), I tend to allow others’ agendas and desires take precedence over my own. Enlist some accountability partners to make sure you aren’t sucked too far down a dysfunctional rabbit hole.
- Your close friends aren’t supportive. I’m not saying you should never trust your own gut and blindly follow the advice of others. However, after enduring the trauma of a divorce, your judgment might be a bit blurry due to excessive crying. If you are hearing lots of words of caution and warning from friends, you should at least listen. Often outsiders have a much clearer view of the giant pile of poop you are about to step in.
- You haven’t clearly defined your dating boundaries and bottom lines. One of the reasons I pulled out of the dating game was because I realized that my boundaries were starting to slip. Rather than leave dating situations that were uncomfortable or dangerous, I reverted to my people-pleasing ways and endured it. This is unacceptable. Before dating, it helps to outline a written plan. What qualities are important to you with a partner? What behaviors will cause you to say no to a second date? What behaviors will cause you to leave? How will you communicate “no” in a way that is heard and respected and what will you do if it is not heard? See Lesson 4 for a few tips on this and stick to it.
- You’re not prepared for heartache. I think we forget that the law of physics applies in dating. What goes up must come down, and for all the highs you get from dating, there are equal and opposite lows. As I mentioned in the last lesson, statistically speaking, you’re going to have a lot of wrongs before you find the right one, so you need to be emotionally ready. Often we are so raw after a divorce that our heart simply can’t handle another let down, so make sure you are healthy enough to withstand some setbacks. In my case, I fell a little too hard for a guy only to realize in horror that he was literally a repeat of my pattern. I sadly had to end it immediately and take some time to lick my wounds before getting back out there.
Dating can be a lot of fun when your expectations are realistic. The beauty is, you are in control of when and how you choose to date. I’m glad that I joined the online world for awhile, because I was able to learn so much about myself and the ways in which I still needed to do some work in my own recovery. Prior to that, I had been trying to heal in a vacuum and was unaware of some tender spots still in existence. Once I saw those areas of need, I decided it was time to take a break to re-evaluate my goals and clean off my snowflake-self so I can avoid playing in the dirty road slush again.
For now, this is the end of my dating series. I’m going to take a break to re-focus my writing on friendships, life lessons, spirituality, building community, church-life, social justice, worship, and recovery. Pretty much all the things. Like most of you, I am a complex woman of varied interests and passions, so I hope you will continue to stick with me as we share the ups and downs of life together!
