Okay, so perhaps I took some liberties with the words of Jesus’ brother with the title of this blog post. However, I feel as though if James’ friends were on Tinder, he would totally be okay with me hijacking this Biblical verse.
In this post, we will explore best practices in how to conduct oneself once you’ve entered the mystical world of online dating. This is part five of a series in which I have shared some lessons I learned (often the hard way) while dating after the dust settled on my divorce. Feel free to go back to Lesson 1 or simply have some fun with this one.
Lesson 5: Be Quick to Listen, Slow to Speak, and Slow to Swipe.
If I could hire a time travel machine to go back and have a conversation with my twenty-three-year-old self, I would most likely tell her to stop talking. Realistically I sometimes have to remind my thirty-four-year-old self of this same thing, but I was particularly heinous in my younger days. I’ve found that when I am uncomfortable, I over talk. In some cases, as in the current political climate, I find myself talking over someone so I don’t have to hear them say the hateful or ignorant thing that is about to come out of their mouth and forever taint my view of them. However, in dating, I think it stemmed from a lack of self worth and tragically low self-esteem with men. Rather than listen to see if I liked someone, I performed like a dancing monkey to show him how amazing I was. Pick me! Choose me! As long as they were into me that was all that mattered. Meanwhile I ignored the fact that they lacked the same values as me, or sometimes I realized I didn’t even like the guy as a person. Why I thought they would make good romantic partners is beyond me, and often they gave giant clues up front as to the unsavory behaviors that I was later shocked to discover. If I had only listened, perhaps it would have saved me a decade and a half of heartache.
Upon reflection, I’ve realized that it is important to be very intentional. Time is precious, so you should only take time to date people who are actually viable candidates. It all starts with swiping, so forgive me for going out of order.
Step 1: Be Slow to Swipe
As I mentioned in Lesson 3 ,several dating apps use the method of swiping to indicate whether you are interested. Swipe right if you’re interested, left if you’re not (sorry friends, this is a right-hand world). Even if the app you are using does not employ this method, the same principles of choosiness can apply. I struggle with being picky, as I typically live by the “I’ll try anything twice” mantra. This has worked well for sushi and Indian food, not so well for men.
If you are interested in something a bit more substantial than a one-night friendship, below is a guide to help you with swiping.
Swipe left (no) if…
- The first photo is of their abs.
- Bathroom selfies. Enough said.
- There is literally nothing in their bio.
- The bio is a single quote or a set of random emojis. I’m a sucker for a clever one-liner, but the date that began with “Which one of us will be most disappointed” ended with both of us being disappointed.
- The only hobby is lifting weights.
- The person lists things they hate that women do or there is some weird rant against the ghosts of female past.
- There is only one photo. Chances are it was captured 14 years ago or they’ve used all the energy they can muster to photoshop that one perfect picture.
- You are not interested in anything they have to say. If you’re bored with the profile, imagine sitting across from a stranger in a coffee shop for forty-five minutes.
- Every picture includes booze or a yacht or some sort of party atmosphere.
Swipe right if and only if…
- You are genuinely interested in learning more about the person.
It is possible that you will want to have other criteria that allow you to be a bit pickier. However, I have found that I try to have an open mind about some of these types of things. A few criteria to consider:
- Age
- Location
- Religion
- Education
- Employment
- Love of “The Office” or “Harry Potter”
- Cats vs. dogs
- Active lifestyle
- Vegan vs. meat-eater
Step 2: Be Quick to Listen, Slow to Speak
Once you have matched with a couple lucky partners, the conversation will begin within the app. This gives you your first opportunity to determine whether this is a person you want to meet in real life. You can determine whether or not you want to end the conversation, move onto the phone, or go for a date. As I mentioned in the last lesson, be careful with the type of information you share. Keep personal info to a minimum and don’t disclose every detail of your past love life at this time. This is a challenge for me, because as a person who loves self-disclosure and self-deprecation, I tend to lead with the fact that I’m a train wreck.
There are a few reasons why you might want to end the conversation before meeting.
- Early dirty talk.
- Request for pics. (See Lesson 1 if you’re not sure what I’m talking about)
- Lack of interest
- Calling you “baby” before you’ve even met. Or maybe ever.
- Requests for overnight dates
- Texts and requests for meetups after 11 p.m.
- Week-long response time
- Any time you feel remotely uncomfortable
If you decide to move this conversation into the real world, I’ve found a few red flags that signal this is not a date to be continued. Unfortunately all of these scenarios have happened. At this point nothing surprises me.
- Any lie. At all. At any point. If they lie about their age, college, favorite cookie, or the flavor tea they are drinking…Walk. Away. With a quickness.
- Mentioning the rapture.
- Trashing an ex on the first date
- Early dirty talk. Seriously. Can we all just calm down for a minute?
- Rude behavior toward waitstaff, someone in the service industry, or basically any human.
- He asks why you aren’t wearing a dress and heels.
- He bites his lip and repeatedly looks at you up and down the way I look at a bag of double stuffed oreos.
- Racist, sexist, homophobic, classist, ableist, or otherwise bigoted language.
Can I just be real with you for a minute? I recognize I am giving you a lot of reasons NOT to date someone. However if the rule of mathematics applies and there is only one “right” person, literally everyone else will be wrong for you. Whether you are dating after your marriage ended or simply had a bad breakup, chances are you’ve gone through some hell and you deserve happiness. Life is too short to spend with people who make you feel anything other than valued, respected, and cherished. God created you in a wonderfully unique way. Don’t try to force a fit with someone who isn’t going to see the beauty in all parts of you.
That’s it for today. Next week we will unfortunately take a hard look at ourselves and the baggage we bring to the table. If you’d like to stay connected, subscribe to my blog or follow me on Facebook. I’d love to hear some of your dating tips in the comments!
