When you are a single woman in your twenties/in college you get to play this really fun game called “Try Not to Get Murdered or Sexually Assaulted.” And by really fun, what I actually mean is it’s the worst and it makes me tired. During this phase of life it is so deeply ingrained in your daily way of thinking that you almost forget you are doing it. However, if you’ve been off the market for any given time and find yourself in social settings without a built-in security guard in the form of a spouse or significant other, you might want to review some of these basic safety tips.
In this series we are exploring the bumpy world of dating as a post-modern divorced Christian woman. But let’s be real. Anyone in the dating scene can relate and should probably read this one. Even if you’re not navigating the single scene, this post will help you develop empathy for your single counterparts. If you’d like to start back at the beginning, here is a link to Lesson 1.
Lesson 4: Be Safe and Plan Your Exit
It seems ironic that as a child of the 90s I was taught all about stranger danger, yet now we live in a world of Tinder where we are meeting strange men on the Interwebs. Due to my anxious childhood relationship with Unsolved Mysteries and my current obsession with Dexter and Criminal Minds, I’m basically convinced that everyone is a potential serial killer or sociopath. While this isn’t the best strategy in managing my anxiety, it is probably helpful in online dating. It’s important to utilize some of the following rules if you are dating or if you are simply a living, breathing human woman.
Rule 1: Always meet in public
This seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how many first date requests I received that did not take this into consideration. It is most likely due to the fact that men rarely have to think about their safety and are oblivious to why this might make a woman uncomfortable. However, it is also possible that you have a creeper on your hands. One guy offered to take me fishing at a secluded pond behind his house. I LOVE fishing, but I do not love being chopped into tiny pieces. He assured me he wasn’t a serial killer, but I’m pretty sure that is what a serial killer would say, so I had to pass. A few other dates offered up hiking as an option because..well just read Lesson 2. Again – love this, but being in the woods with someone you don’t know isn’t safe. Stick to coffee shops, restaurants, bookstores, zoos, museums, or basically anywhere within proximity to potential witnesses. Another guy who I had never met before invited me on an overnight beach trip alone with him. No, just…no. And this brings me to my next rule.
Rule 2: Don’t get in a dude’s car before trust is established
I’m sorry, ladies. The days of being picked up at your door with flowers in hand are over. This romantic gesture is fine once you’ve established significant trust, but that takes much longer than you might think. I’ve learned the hard way that people can hide their crazy for a surprisingly long time. Once in someone’s car, you’ve lost an element of control, which can make you vulnerable from the start. Also, this impacts your ability to leave early if needed. Drive yourself, Uber, take the metro, or walk. Rock on with your independent self.
Rule 3: Phone a friend
For the love of all that is holy, make sure that you inform a responsible friend where you are going and whom you are going with. You should also plan a time that you will check back in with that person after the date is over. If possible, send a picture and any background info so that they know more about him than “John from Tinder.” Unfortunately there’s no way to ensure that the picture will truly match the person, but this is better than nothing. If you are like me, your trusted dating ally should not be one of your parents. My parental units are professional worriers, so there are certain things that I wait until later to tell them – skydiving, tattoos, and random dates with strangers all fit snugly into that category. Trust me, I learned this the hard way.
Rule 4: Watch your booze
Both literally and figuratively watch your booze. You know the rule – only drink something that you have seen poured with your own eyeballs and do not leave said beverage alone while you go to the bathroom, even if it’s non-alcoholic. Also it bears being said that you should watch how much is consumed while out on a date with someone you barely know. I typically believe in the Patti Stanger Millionaire Matchmaker two-drink limit. However, if you find yourself on a marathon date, try to follow the “one drink per hour” rule of metabolization.
Rule 5: Protect your personal info
Unfortunately my job is quite public, so it provides some challenges when dealing with stalky behaviors. However, be smart and protect your personal information as much as possible. Your home address and social security number do not need to be a part of the first date conversation. If you’re not feeling it, speak vaguely about your work and personal life so that a clinger can’t track you down later and make your life miserable. One friend unfortunately had an out of state guy BUY A HOUSE in her neighborhood as a “surprise.” Not kidding. Do not underestimate these fools.
Rule 6: If someone asks for money, just..no.
This is a scam and I’ve seen it happen to more than one person (especially on Christian Mingle where crazies lurk). If someone you’ve built an online relationship with suddenly has an emergency requiring money and you are the ONLY person that can save them, it’s time to walk away. There is a reason that he or she doesn’t have anyone else. Block or ghost immediately and unapologetically (see below). If you aren’t sure whether you have a scammer on your hands, you can google their phone number to see if it is registered as a scam number or also search to see if they are a real person. One friend has also bought a monthly subscription to Spokeo that allows you to search people and even see if they have a criminal record. This might seem crazy, but when you’ve been burned you realize how important it is to protect yourself.
Rule 7: Sometimes it’s okay to ghost
I don’t typically endorse ghosting (aka never responding again) without some form of explanation if both parties have been respectful. However, if you have told someone you are not interested and they are persisting, block and delete with reckless abandon. No means no means no means no.
Rule 8: First impressions can be deceiving
Seriously, have you watched Dexter? Even if he or she is not a serial killer, sociopaths and narcissists are just as charming as Ted Bundy. I even had a nice, seemingly innocent church boy turn out to be a gross boundary-crosser, so just be aware that you need to keep your guard up when dealing with people that you don’t know that well. And again it bears being repeated, people can keep their crazy tucked in for a long time before it peeps out. Sometimes texting and calling each other for any length of time can provide a false sense of security. You really have to be around someone for a significant amount of time to watch their interactions and pick up on red flags.
Rule 9: Plan your exit strategy
This was really hard for me because as a child of the church, I was conditioned to believe I must avoid hurting people’s feelings at all costs. Perhaps it is just a female condition in general, but I will smile and nod in the most uncomfortable situations to make others feel okay in spite of my own feelings. However, if your gut is saying it’s time to go, it’s time to go. If a man does not hear your no, it’s time to go. If a date looks or speaks to you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, it’s time to go. If you hear nothing else, please hear this –
You are allowed to leave a date early if you are uncomfortable.
You are allowed to leave a date early if you are uncomfortable.
You are allowed to leave a date early if you are uncomfortable.
Repeat this mantra over and over again, and actually plan your exit. The first time I felt compelled to do this, I had no plan, so I awkwardly looked at my phone and said, Oh no…there’s an emergency at work…with a…piano. True story. I thought people only faked emergencies on the movies, but this is real life, so plan for it. What will you say? Do you need a friend to call and bail you out? Practice your exit, because it is much harder to do this when you are alone with a guy than you might think. And no matter what, do not feel guilty. Your safety and comfort needs to be your priority, not a stranger’s feelings.
That’s it for today. Sorry it was a bit of a downer. Dating can be fun, but it would be irresponsible to not acknowledge the inherent risk. I wish you a life filled with zero creepers, but for many of us that just isn’t reality. I hope you will use these strategies to stay safe in the modern world of online dating. I am 1000% sure that I forgot some important tips, so feel free to add some of your favorites in the comment section. Stay tuned for my next installment of this series. If you want to stay in the know, you can subscribe to my blog!
