A few years ago, our community was rocked by news that was and is one of the most tragic events I have experienced in my entire life. A family very near and dear to our hearts had all passed away, simultaneously. My stepson’s life-long best friend, two former students, a family that my husband and stepchildren had dined with, laughed with, and even vacationed with just two months earlier – everyone was gone. When news spread through our community, we all clung together in horror trying to figure out what could have caused something so terrible, until finally we received the news that none of us were expecting – it was a murder-suicide at the hands of the father.
I have to admit that typically when I have heard stories like this on the news, the first words that came to mind were “selfish” or “evil.” However, anyone who knew this man knew that this was the exact opposite of the way we experienced him. “Selfless” and “loving” are the words I would use to describe him. His family was engaged in the community, supportive of one another, and seemed so happy. None of us could make sense of it or understood, so we tried desperately to fill in the blanks. Did we miss something? He mentioned some challenges at work. Should we have seen this as a possibility? We knew there was a history of mental illness in his family. Perhaps his wife tried to clue us in to their secret battle, but we were too dense to hear her? This is one of the harshest realities of suicide. Not only are you dealing with the pain of loss, but also in most cases, there is never an explanation. As humans, we crave a narrative arc, and in cases of suicide, we tragically do not have a resolution. It is like a favorite series that is abruptly cancelled without the dignity of a finale or a song in which the final chord never resolves. We are left feeling…raw.
It isn’t always easy to spot the warning signs. I know first-hand that often people with mental illness are very skilled at hiding it. I know this because I myself have struggled with anxiety and depression in the past and have a colorful spattering of mental illness in my family tree. I fear that we as a society have put different mental illnesses into a stereotypical box, and if someone doesn’t look the way that a “depressed person” should look, then we assume they actually are fine, when they say as such. But let’s be honest – not all depressed people are sitting at home with messy hair eating ice cream and missing weeks of work. Some of us are still quite functional, yet walk through the day with an invisible, yet oh so heavy fog, that we hide with a smile and bubbly personality, until the end of the day when we finally collapse from the exhaustion of keeping up the façade.
Despite my own battles with depression, I have been fortunate enough that I have never been suicidal, yet the statistics are alarming. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, suicide is the tenth leading cause of death overall, and the second leading cause of death amongst people between the ages of 15 and 34. It is apparent that we must make cultural changes in order to address the prevalence of suicide in this country.
The most common cause of suicide is mental illness, yet we still struggle as a society to handle these invisible afflictions appropriately. We need to start treating mental illness the same way we do a physical illness. But what does that look like?
- First, we need to discuss issues of mental health in our families the same way we would talk about heart disease or cancer. It is very common to hear older relatives advising younger nieces and nephews of diet or exercise that might help reduce the risk of a heart attack if they have a history of heart disease. In the same way, I have been told since birth to wear sunscreen and a hat because of the high rate of skin cancer in my family. Yet, when it comes to a relative with bipolar disorder, we whisper in the corner to keep it a secret. Instead of treating this as if it is shameful, let’s be honest within family communities about mental illness. If you do happen to have a genetic predisposition to depression, discuss healthy practices that can help. I personally have learned that a wholesome diet, regular exercise, time outdoors, and elimination of caffeine are critical to my mental health. While it in no way “cures” me, it does drastically reduce the severity of my symptoms.
- Second, if your family is at risk of mental illness, build a relationship with mental health professionals. Never have I ever heard of a parent who waited to find a pediatrician after their child’s first bout of pneumonia. We take our children in for wellness visits annually, and as adults, if cholesterol is a family concern, we ask for blood work periodically to screen for any potential issues. Why don’t we do the same for depression or anxiety? Finding a skilled mental health professional who is a) taking new clients b) a good fit for your or your child and c) actually accepts your insurance is incredibly challenging, and it’s the last thing you have the mental stamina to do when you are in an actual crisis. I’m not suggesting that you herd your kids in to therapy every week as soon as they can talk, but it doesn’t hurt to establish a relationship with a practice you trust and to begin discussing coping mechanisms with children so that if they ever do start to feel symptoms of depression, they know what they are feeling and ways they can handle it.
- Third, can we please stop shaming people for taking medication? Seriously, just stop. Why is it acceptable to take ACE inhibitors for high blood pressure, yet unacceptable to admit that you need serotonin inhibitors for depression. Yes, lifestyle changes are helpful in both of these scenarios, but you or a loved one might come to a point when medicine is necessary. I can’t cure myself by choosing happiness any easier than someone else can cure themselves by choosing low blood pressure. Let’s talk openly about these medications with family members and friends so that everyone isn’t quietly learning the hard way that it sometimes takes months to find the right dosage or medication and how important it is to slowly taper off from the drugs when it is time to end.
- Finally, if you do not understand depression because you have never experienced it, please educate yourself. The reality is that you are probably interacting with multiple people who struggle with some form of mental illness, but you just don’t know it.
Unfortunately, mental illness isn’t the only risk factor of suicide. Traumatic events can serve as a catalyst for suicide, and some people are simply struggling with a secret that they feel is too shameful to share. It eats away at them until they convince themselves that they are unlovable or unworthy of the gift of life. This is an area where I feel as though we as a church sometimes fail our community. As Christians, my prayer for us is that we can establish an authentic network of love that would help people feel comfortable sharing the darkest spaces of their hearts. However, in order to do this, it requires that those of us who have lived through hardships open up about our struggles and stop trying to make everyone see how shiny and #blessed our life is. It also requires that we as a community fight to rid ourselves of the stereotypes Christians have so painfully earned over the years– as a group of people who are judgmental and like to gossip. Very few things ruffle my feathers more than a gossip collector hiding their toxic tendencies under the guise of “Christian concern.” If someone in your small group is hurting the trust in your community, please address it. Stop worrying about being polite, and start worrying about the long-term ramifications of building a culture that does not allow people to safely air out their hardships for fear of judgment.
Suicide is terrible. The ripples of pain that are created have a lasting effect that can be felt years later by everyone involved. Let’s work together to help shine a light on the dark spaces where the enemy convinces people their life is not worth living. Let’s fight to create a safe space where people are real and mental illness is not shameful. Most importantly, let’s pour light and love into everything we touch, for we truly never know the battles people are secretly fighting.
